Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Vodka?
Forever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
