I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
