I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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