The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
