I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i out mim tonsoeep
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