It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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