I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
