I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
