I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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