The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
