he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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