Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
