I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The best revenge is premature balding
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
