Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
