I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
