just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
