you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
