you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
