the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
