Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
