you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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