Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
