I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
