Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize