I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
