she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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