I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
