you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
