I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
