Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
