it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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