but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
