Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
vagina is talking i cant
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
