he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize