Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
