I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
