You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
