My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
