I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
