I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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