i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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