Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
