**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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