masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize