a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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