I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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