I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize