Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I faked an abortion last night.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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