He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize