capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
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