so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
