Where are you?
In a non slutty way
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
