if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
