Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
