i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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