ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize