Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
